Lara Zielin

So, you know how when you’re deep in the woods with no electricity and you’re sort of worried that a serial killer might be lurking around that next tree when suddenly your dog shows up carrying what you think is a skeleton of a murder victim?

Oh, you don’t?

WELL I DO.

And trust me, it will scare the pants off you.

Turns out our new dog Oliver, who is generally not the sharpest tool in the shed, is actually sort of decent at finding bones. Which, when you’re in the middle of nowhere and worried for your safety, is not what you want to see. Especially when he trots up to the campfire with an entire carcass in his mouth. Of a deer. That died. Probably during the winter sometime. Maybe.

Rob and I eventually realized it was a deer and not, say, a murder victim. Rob had fits of hysterical laughter. I was ready to cry. In fact, I may have actually cried. I don’t know. I think I blocked it out.

Of course our other dog, Amos, had to get involved in the whole chewing-on-dead-things debacle. Did I mention how happy they were? I felt bad for being so decidedly unhappy at the whole thing. Please note how they gnaw from opposite ends. File that under “how dogs share.”

Eventually, Rob had to toss the whole pile of dead bones onto a low portion of the roof. It was either that or burn it, and I didn’t want to inhale dead deer smoke all night. Just saying.

I don’t know what the whole lesson here is. Maybe something like “Don’t go into the woods with dogs.” Or maybe “Dogs are gross.” Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and go with that last one.

Dogs are gross.

When I was a high school freshman, I played on the tennis team. I was terrible. I was certainly one of the most inexperienced players out there, and I lost every game I played. I remember thinking at the time, “I should have started this sport in junior high. THEN I’d be a good player.” I didn’t play on the team the next year.

I’ve been at writers’ conferences where the same thing has happened. Not tennis — I mean, this feeling, when everyone shows their pages and I look at the other writing in the room and I think, “If I’d started getting serious about this sooner, I’d be okay right now. Everyone else smokes me.”

Except, that’s the whole point, isn’t it? That we don’t start out perfect, but that we inch toward being better. That we do it when we’re not awesome so that one day we can be sort of awesome. Or really awesome if we’re lucky.

I hear this a lot at the place where I work out and where, now, I teach indoor cycling classes. “I’d come but I’m afraid I’ll look stupid. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Dude. You know what? We all look stupid. And we all didn’t start out knowing what we were doing.

So, here’s a picture I both love and hate, and it illustrates what I’m talking about. It was taken at Elvis Fest in Ypsilanti last year. And I remember I saw it and I was like, “THAT’S how big my arms are? That’s what I look like from the side? Uuuggh, kill me now.” (Okay, but I also love the photo because, hello, hilarious Blues Brothers impersonators and, um, is that tattooed Elvis or something? Who is that guy? This photo cracks me up and horrifies me all at once.)

I love and hate this photo. Blues Brothers and tattooed Elivs? Yay! My body from the side? Less than yay.

The point is, the body in that photo above didn’t look awesome on an indoor cycling bike. Or running down the street. Or whatever. My body STILL doesn’t look awesome doing those things all the time. Better, sure, but I’m not THAT different than I was in the picture above. Ten pounds, maybe. But I feel different. And if I don’t do this stuff when I’m not awesome, then I can’t get to … anything better. It’s something I’ve learned about exercise and writing — two of my fave topics evvaaarr — but it applies to everything, I think.

Do it when you suck. When you look fat with Elvis. When you’ve gotten a thousand query rejections but you keep on writing anyhow.

Just so you don’t stay in the same place.

Uhthankyouvaaarmuch. Elvis has left the building.

April is drawing to a close, which means this will be my last post for Tornado Awareness Month. These 30 days have been full of a lot of real-life weather information, a lot of practical and educational stuff, even a song about chasing storms, but not a lot about weather as … a metaphor. Which is sort of funny considering my third book is all about weather as a metaphor.

In ‘The Waiting Sky,’ tornadoes represent chaos — both literally in the protagonist, Jane’s, life (she’s’ in Tornado Alley, after all!) and also figuratively, in the sense that her alcoholic mom is a huge form of chaos. She roars through like a twister and upends everything.

Jane’s choice in the book is whether or not she’ll choose chaos: Will she live her life in the storm, or will she set out on a different path? It might sound like a simple setup, but how many of us choose to infuse our lives with chaos all the time without realizing it? I think for this last Tornado Awareness Month post, I want to chat about all the ways in which we chase storms so that we don’t have to deal with … other stuff. Our emotions. Our realities. Our selves.

I’ll start.

Sometimes, it’s really hard for me to put down my phone. And instead of putting it away and connecting with my emotions or thinking about what went down during the day, I’ll just pick up my phone and play a game or text or do Facebook. I see it all the time: People who just can’t put their phone down to save their lives. I recently had lunch with someone who texted or talked on the phone the whole time. Super rude — but beyond rudeness, it was such a reflection of the fact that they needed to be doing that or they’d have to actually connect with someone (me). And get real. And face things. You know what’s easier? Texting.

Jane's dilemma in 'The Waiting Sky' is whether she'll choose to let chaos drive her life, or if she'll step away from the storm.

Another thing I do? I eat. I’m not a sweets girl, though. Instead, I choose super crunchy things so all I hear is the sound of the food in my mouth. And then you know what I don’t have to hear then? My own thoughts. I don’t have to feel whatever uncomfortable feelings are rising up in me. Like the fact that I’m upset about something at work. Or I feel like a loser because I totally can’t seem to write my fourth book. Nope. None of it. Because the crunch of the food is creating what sounds like a storm, and I can focus on that instead.

Here are a few more I’ve done and seen: Making bad choices so that the aftermath of the decision creates fires I have to put out. Starting fights to have something to focus on. Packing my calendar full of activity! so I don’t have to be intimate with anyone or anything. Reading so much I’m living an escapist life.

I could go on, but I won’t because it’s clear these are empty strategies. The only way out is through, as a wise person once said. Feel the emotions. Face the situation. Whatever it takes.

Easier said than done, that’s for sure. I want to eat a super crunchy cracker just writing this post.

We’ve created a culture where it’s super easy to have mini tornadoes spinning all around you. The question is, will you choose the chaos? Or will you walk away from the storm and choose to be present in something other than swirling drama?

That’s Jane’s big question. If you want, you can read chapter one of ‘The Waiting Sky’ here.

[This post includes a rad video. I just wanted to let you know that up front.]

There was a time in my life when I liked to think of myself as a storm chaser.

Because, see, I’d been on a tornado tour in tornado alley — which is a lot like whale watching, only instead of paying a guide to get you close to marine mammals, you pay a guide to get you close to dangerous storms — so OF COURSE I knew what I was doing.

When I was driving near Saginaw, Michigan, a few years ago, I got the perfect opportunity to chase. Like in Twister the movie! When they’re all in their cars, jouncing over back roads to get near a storm! I was on the trail of a huge system that was definitely going to produce. (<– See that? I even knew the lingo.)

I was getting really close to a dark, churning sky.

It was so exciting!

The wind was picking up. The temperature dropped. The whole sky took on that eeire green/black vibe.

And then the sirens started to go off. And I realized I was pretty much in the middle of the space a tornado was likely to touch down. And I thought to myself, “This is real.”

And, okay, maybe I thought about some swear words too. Probably I even said those swear words.

Because this wasn’t Twister, this wasn’t a tour with a guide who held a Ph.D. and a sophisticated Doppler. This was me being the biggest dumbass ever, and I had to get out of there.

Except that’s when the wind hit.

And the hail.

Did I mention I was in a new car?

It was getting bad. Oh, and the sirens were STILL going off.

I managed to get back on the highway, but cars were slowing down and pulling off left and right. The hail was REALLY bad. And people knew the twister was right behind us. So many of them were covering their heads against the worst of the hail assaults and heading for the ditches alongside the highway.

Oh, but not me. I floored that brand new car and booked out of there as quickly as I could. I thought, “I can’t chase a storm, but by god I can outrun it.” And I did. Best decision of the day, right there.

It was scary, real stuff. And I still feel my face burn every time I think about it. Because for crying out loud, what was I thinking? Chasing storms like this is about the stupidest thing an untrained weather enthusiast can do.

But it wasn’t a total loss. My good friend Rhonda Helms (Stapleton) thought my into-the-storm story was so funny, she made up a song about it. It’s called “Lara Zielin, Intrepid Girl Reporter.” And I made a video to go with the song. So at least we got that out of the whole debacle.

Stay in school, kids. And don’t chase twisters.

Congratulations, Christine! You won a copy of Reed Timmer’s awesome weather book, ‘Into the Storm.’ Thanks for commenting and RT-ing on the Tornado Awareness Month post, and happy (and safe!) sky-watching!

Ever wonder what to do if a tornado is headed straight for your car? Are you curious about the difference between a funnel cloud and a tornado? Do you ever wonder how to pursue a career studying amazing weather? Never fear, esteemed professor and meteorologist Thomas Kovacs is here to answer your questions! Continuing my weather-related posts for Tornado Awareness Month, I invited professor Kovacs over to the blog for a Q&A about extreme weather. And flying cows. Of course.

Professor Thomas Kovacs teaches meteorology courses and has chased storms in Tornado Alley.

Q: April is Tornado Awareness Month, which seems both awesome and a little strange. Awesome because we get a whole month to talk about extreme weather, but strange because shouldn’t April showers bring, like, May flowers? Can you explain why April is the right month to talk about tornadoes? What’s going on, weather-wise, that makes April ideal?

A: The reason April is ideal is because of instability. Warm air is lighter than cold air of the same size like many oils are lighter than water of the same size. Try to push oil down below water and it rapidly rises to the top. When the sunlight starts to strengthen in the Spring it warms the ground which warms the air near the ground which is beneath the cold air from Winter. This is an unstable situation that the atmosphere corrects. The resulting rising warm moist air produces powerful thunderstorms that can produce tornadoes.

Q: We recently had severe weather in Southeast Michigan, including a tornado that hit the town of Dexter. When the sirens went off, I was in my car. Thankfully, the worst of the weather wasn’t close by me, but what do you recommend in a situation like that, when severe weather is imminent but no basement can be found?

A: You are very fortunate the worst of the weather was not near you. In a car is likely the worst place you can be.

Underground shelters are even better than basements. If you have access to neither, go to the lowest level of a well-built structure in an interior room (preferably a bathroom). Stay away from windows and get under something sturdy that may protect you from flying debris. If you are in a car, truck, or mobile home, get out and go to a well-built structure. If none are available, lie in a ditch with your head covered by your arms and hands. Go to http://www.spc.noaa.gov/faq/tornado/safety.html for more details.

Q: How many flying cows have you seen? Between jersey cows or guernsey cows, which is more susceptible to being caught in a twister?

A: The only flying cows I have seen are in a Chick-Fil-A commercial; though, I have not seen many tornadoes.

Q: Meteorology is just about the coolest science there is. For someone reading this blog who is interested in studying severe weather — or just plain regular weather — what advice would you give them?

A: Always pursue a career in what you are most passionate. I have never met a meteorologist that is unemployed or who does not love what they do for a living. The study of weather requires a good knowledge of Physics and Math. Many claim that these are difficult topics. I would claim they are easier than trying to be a teacher, accountant (try doing taxes), or any field where you deal directly with customers.

Q: What is the difference between a funnel cloud and a tornado?

A: A funnel cloud is a rapidly rotating column of air extending from the base of a thunderstorm; it does not touch the ground. A tornado exists when the rotating column of air reaches the ground.

Q: If I wanted to get in my car and chase a storm tomorrow, on a scale of one to ten — one being not a bad idea at all and ten being the worst idea since going to a Star Wars convention dressed as Gandalf — where would you rank that idea?

A: The idea is worse than dressing as Gandalf at a Star Wars convention. Chasing storms is very dangerous and doing so without proper training puts your life and, potentially the lives of others, at risk.

Q: But I want to chase storms! *flails and whines* What do I do?

A: If you find chasing storms interesting then I would suggest a career in meteorology. If you don’t want to be on T.V. there are many other jobs for meteorologists. Nearly every type of business uses or could use meteorological services. Government labs such as the National Aeronautical and Space Administration (NASA) and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) also employ meteorologists. If you are interested in severe weather but do not want to pursue a college degree in meteorology you can become a trained spotter with the National Weather Service. Go to http://www.nws.noaa.gov/skywarn for more details. You don’t actually chase storms in the Skywarn program, but you can use your interest in tornadoes to help keep your community safe.

Q: What is the best part about your job?

A: As a teacher of future teachers I have a direct impact in improving the education of young students in the sciences. I also get to study a topic in which I have a lot of interest.

BIO: Professor Kovacs has a Ph.D. in meteorology from Pennsylvania State University and currently teaches a Severe and Unusual Weather course at Eastern Michigan University. As a volunteer for the Red Cross, he recently helped set up shelters after a tornado ripped through Dexter, MI on March 15. In the past he has chased storms across the plains, though these days he prefers to watch the skies from his front porch—or a computer screen.

THANK YOU for stopping by, professor Kovacs!

And don’t forget, the contest to win Reed Timmer’s awesome book, ‘Into the Storm,’ is open for a few more days. Leave a comment to be eligible for this awesome prize!

Reed Timmer is a central figure on the popular Discovery Channel show, "Storm Chasers." His recent book will be part of my giveaways this month!

April is Tornado Awareness month, which is awesome for a lot of reasons. First, we get to talk about weather FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH! And weather, as we all know, is crumbelievable. Also, tornado awareness month makes people safer, because it’s used to convey information about what to do in bad weather-related situations. Anything that keeps more people safe/alive is fab in my book.

For the entire month on the blog, I’ll be doing weather-related posts and giveaways. I am SO excited about this! I’ve interviewed extreme weather experts, I’ve got my own extreme weather stories to share, and I’ll be giving away copies of ‘The Waiting Sky,’ which takes place in tornado alley. In the middle of tornado season. It’s going to be better than that time Bill Paxton threw the whiskey bottle at a twister. (Okay, that’s just Hollywood, but I AM giving away a Twister DVD. Plus other prizes, including storm chaser Reed Timmer’s book, pictured left. Today! And that’s better than a flying cow, or Aunt Meg’s beef.)

Okay, I’ll stop with the Twister references. As soon as I’m out of Dusty’s suck zone. Ooooh, that was a bad one.

Actually, Twister is kind of an interesting benchmark because, if you’ll recall the plot, the whole point of what the scientists were doing was to give people more warning before a storm hit, presumably to save lives. The thing is, the National Weather Service has realized that blasting warnings all the time creates a bit of a cry-wolf effect. You hear the sirens but, because a tornado doesn’t hit each time, you think, whatever, I’m safe. An article on Weather.com recently said this:

“…Three out of every four times the National Weather Service issues a formal tornado warning, there isn’t one. The result…[has] dulled the effectiveness of tornado warnings, and one the weather service hopes to solve with what amounts to a scare tactic.”

That scare tactic they mention means using words like “mass devastation” and “unsurvivable” along with the warnings. So there will be a voice shouting at you while the warnings go off. Yikes! I mean, it sounds kind of … well, alarmist. But if it saves lives, then maybe it’s worth it.

The new “scared-safe” system (I just made that up, thanks) is just being tested now, and if the results are good, it’ll be implemented more widely over time. What do you think? Is it too much or is it just the thing we need so we actually head for cover when extreme weather is close by?

TO WIN A COPY OF REED’S BOOK, please leave a comment below, or RT the contest using my Twitter name @larazielin. Contest will close in one week, on April 9. U.S. residents only, please.

Authors Margaret Yang and Harry Campion create fast-paced, techno-centric worlds in their science fiction — a genre I rarely read but, hey, when it’s THIS good, you gotta crack that spine (or download it, as the case may be).

Their second book, ‘The Caline Conspiracy,’ just came out last week and I really wanted them to stop by to talk about it. In the amazing world they’ve created, calines are the perfect pets — like dogs, but no shedding or eating the trash. But one caline, Madeline, is suspected of murder, and private investigator Aidra Scot must look into it. I invited them over to talk about their new novel as well as their writing process. Because they write … together! Under the single name, M.H. Mead. It boggles the mind. But, here — enough from me. Let them explain. Take it away, Margaret and Harry!

Q: Calines sound amazing (I totally want one!) but I’m curious if they’ve replaced regular dogs in your book? My dog Amos specifically wanted me to ask if beagles still exist, or if calines were so superior to regular dogs that they’ve replaced them?

Calines are both rare and expensive. Moreover, they can’t be bred, they can only be manufactured. So, calines are toys for the very rich. Dogs certainly still exist, and are the lovable human companions they’ve always been. In fact, one of our characters has a full-time job training calines, and he’s also a dog-breeder on the side.

Tell Amos not to worry! A dog like him is irreplaceable.

Q: You guys co-author novels, which I think is so incredible. If I had to work with someone, I’d probably stick a fork in their eyeballs. So, how do you guys make it work? What are one or two things you do to keep your working relationship strong and your writing fresh?

Somehow, authors Margaret Yang and Harry Campion can write books together and not stab each other's eyeballs out. Their latest book is called 'The Caline Conspiracy.'

It helps that we share a brain. We finish each other’s sentences even when we’re not writing together. We also share a sense of humor. We laugh a lot more than we argue.

We get really, really chatty when we’re writing in the same room. We used to feel guilty about it, like, “Oh, we should be putting words on the page, not talking about Firefly or our latest people-watching expedition to Starbucks.” But we’ve come to realize it’s part of our process. Somehow, sharing these stories that have nothing to do with work makes the work better. Fortunately, most of our writing takes place in separate rooms, in separate houses, in separate cities, since Harry lives in Detroit and Margaret lives in Ann Arbor.

And, you know, we always cover our eyeballs and hide the forks.

Q: Your main character in ‘The Caline Conspiracy,’ Aidra, plays a smaller a role in your first novel, ‘Fate’s Mirror.’ Is there anyone we might meet in ‘The Caline Conspiracy’ who might have a larger role in, say, your next novel?

Yes there is! Fans of our superhacker, Morris, will be happy to know he’s in the mix. This time around, Aidra butts heads with a by-the-book cop named Cariatti. He dislikes everything about her until she helps him foil an annoying reporter they both hate. Cariatti also reappears in our next novel, which comes out this fall. We’ve been having a lot of fun writing his scenes.

Q: How do you define success regarding to your writing career?

Groupies! The more the better!

We kid, we kid. The truth is, we have modest goals for our fiction. We want to put out the best work we can, sell a few books, get some great reviews and eventually sell a lot more books. So far, so good.

Q: Easter is coming up, which means ALL KINDS of amazing candy. Jellybeans, Cadbury eggs, Peeps. What is your fave Easter candy? And, if you could do an Easter egg hunt anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Amos is wondering if calines have to wear bunny ears at Easter or if it's just him.

Candy? Did someone say candy? Margaret would like to pretend she has a discriminating palate, (she’s a former restaurant critic) but honestly, she will eat all the candy. All there is. Even those cheap jellybeans that cost 99 cents a bag and taste ever so faintly of soap.

Harry is low-carbing right now, so no candy for him. But if he could, he’d divide his love between peanut butter cups and dark chocolate peanut M&Ms. Remember ET and the trail of Reese’s Pieces? That’s Harry and dark chocolate peanut M&Ms. He would follow a trail of M&Ms right into the lair of a hungry carnivore.

You know what would be a great place to have an Easter Egg hunt? The Starship Enterprise. As long as we watched out for temporal anomalies, tribbles, and the occasional alien with a huge forehead, we could find all the eggs. That is, if George Takei didn’t find them first. (Seriously, that dude is everywhere!)

Q: And of course, the question I ask all my guests: cheese or chocolate?

Harry is firmly team cheese (that whole low carb thing). Margaret is team chocolate all the way. We may share a brain, but our taste buds are all our own.

Thank you to everyone who left a comment on the Josh Berk book giveaway! I am glad you all loved the poop and boner jokes as much as me. Readers after my very own heart.

I’m super excited to announce that the winners are Joycelyn and Kirsten! A ruthless game of “eenie-meenie” has determined that Joycelyn will get The Dark Days of Hamburger Halpin and Kirsten will get Guy Langman, Crime Scene Procrastinator.

Thanks everyone who left a comment! <3 <3

I don’t believe any dentist has ever actually said, “brushing your teeth is fun,” but if he or she had, we’d all know it would be a lie. Sticking things in your mouth and generating foam is NOT COOL. I mean, normally, though there are — oh, nevermind.

The point is that Rob and I have actually made brushing our teeth fun.

We invented a song. Inspired by Batman. It’s called “Tooth Cave.”

Now, getting out our toothbrushes actually feels like we’re fighting off the baddies. Even if the baddies are plaque and gingivitis and not, like, the Joker. And Big Oil. But still. Pow! Blam! Tooth Cave! Nanananananana …