Lara Zielin

STATUS: Warming up for post-holiday sales.

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: The list of people on Larry King Live. Priscilla Presley, Celene Dion, and Michael Bolton. Slow much, Larry?

Turns out politics are like Project Runway – one day you’re in, and the next day you’re out. I was ignorant of this. I thought, one day you’re in (when you turn 18 and, as a legal resident of the United States, are granted voting rights) and then … you’re in. But it turns out I’m as woefully ignorant of politics as I am the ways in which a woman is/is not supposed to wear leggings. I needed a German supermodel/actress/fragrance designer to set me straight, and I quickly found Wilhelmina Zedler (What? Like you expected Heidi Klum? Please. This blog has six readers.) and, as only a German supermodel/actress/fragrance designer can, Wilhelmina set me straight on Michigan politics.

Vell. Let me tell you how it is. Michigan is in a bad place, yes? Das auto makers cannot compete vith the superior German autos, like Audi and BMW, and maybe some Japanese cars here and zare, and the whole state goes – voolhomon! – down das toilet. It is, how do you say this, a localized recession. But, nubenscnieder, no one cares! None of das phonies in Vashington are helping Michigan, and das political candidates sink dat Michigan is the brand of coffee maker dat Oprah gives avay on her show.

So. Vot can das state do? Das answer was simple: Move its primary up! Evervone cares about Iova and New Hampshire, vhich is ridiculous because these states also sink that L.L. Bean is high fashion. But vhy should dese farmers get more attention than Michigan? Michigan vonted to get the presidential candidates talking about how bad sinks vere here.

Vell. The Democratic National Committee vas none too pleased about das change, vich could mean the old system (vhere they pull the strings, not Michigan) might not vork so vell anymore. Iova, after all, put das John Kerry up against das George W. Bush and dat vas a rousing success – much like how pleats in the 1980s made every voman look skinnier. They made such an achvoltrous fuss that the Democratic candidates pulled deir names off the primary ballots in Michigan. They von’t be campaigning in das mitten-shaped state.

Now. Let me tell you vot dis means. Vhen a Michigan resident like Eminem goes to cast his primary ballot, he von’t see Obama’s name, or Hillary Clinton’s name on dat piece of paper. Nein. He vill only see some Republican names. You might think, no sveat. Write in das names. But nein again. Das rules for primaries say write-ins vill be discarded. The best option for Eminem is to check “undecided.” Vot crapenshizen! Dey essentially told Michigan voters like Eminem to go flingoffer themselves.

Vot Obama and Hillary and Edvards don’t realize is zat Michigan is barely a blue state. Vot if it goes red in the next election because they didn’t campaign there? Vot den? There are more details here zan I can go into – I hov to be at a photo shoot in a half hour and Bruno is vaiting to do my makeup – but there are lawsuits against Michigan by the Democratic National Committee, and Michigan is counter-suing, and Florida is trying to do the same sing as Michigan, I sink because they are still mad about the hanging Chads. (I went to an undervear party for Calvin Klein and saw hanging Chads but das vas different).

Anyvay, ze Iova primaries are happening in just a few weeks because, when Michigan moved deir primary up, so did Iova – just so zey could still be first. It’s terrible. I sought dat vhen an American vos guaranteed the right to vote, it meant they could vote for the candidate they sought vos best. But that’s not the case. And da vorst part about it, is it’s Democrats giving das finger to ozer Democrats.

Maybe this is vhy in America, more people vote for American Idol than for presidential candidates. At least in American Idol, your vote counts.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 27th, 2007 at 4:36 pm and is filed under things that suck. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.