~~~Lara Zielin~~~

STATUS: Just took the worst passport picture ever. Ever ever ever.

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: Better Zombies Through Physics, a comic strip written by my friend Jim. Tor.com is publishing it as a serial over the next few weeks. It has kitties — that are zombies!

Somewhere in the New Testament, a guys asks Jesus how many times people should forgive a person who’s being a jerkface. Seven times, maybe? And Jesus replies, nope, “seventy times seven.”

I think that lesson could be applied to re-writes as well. Seven times might seem like a lot to re-write a novel, but it can be a lot more.

Commence flailing and gnashing of teeth.

Really, though. It’s kind of true. In my case, I re-wrote DONUT DAYS approximately five times before it was accepted by an agent. Once I had an agent, she asked for me to re-write DD before we submitted it to editors. Which I did. Then my editor asked me to re-write it …. well, I kind of lost count of how many times we sallied that manuscript back and forth, but it was a lot.

Not every writer will go through such drastic re-writes — or so many of them. In fact, I hope that after my third or so book I’m used to the process and the requirements, and that I’ve improved enough so the changes aren’t so severe. Then again, I think that asking an author to re-write to improve a novel is a good thing. I can think of a few seasoned writers who have lobbed in manuscripts that clearly needed some work. But maybe they got so big and so successful that their editor was afraid to tell them that.

The point is, don’t despair in the re-write process. Just because a novel needs work doesn’t mean it’s beyond redemption. Or publishing.

STATUS: Not feeling so hot today, actually.

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: Author Brad Meltzer hasn’t been getting the greatest reviews on his latest novel, so he turned the bad press into this hilarious video.

I heard a story not too long ago on NPR about a musician/soccer player who … well, I kind of only caught the tail end of the story and admittedly I was a little lost. BUT, I did hear enough of it to know that this guy was a so-so soccer player, but he had a really great work ethic. And he was saying how this had made him successful — both on the field and in the music arena.

So that got me thinking about my own work, and how I’m not the most super-duper talented person at … well, anything. I mean, I’m just one of those people who is good at a lot of things but not great at many. And that’s okay, I think, as long as I keep working hard at improving in the areas of my life that matter the most to me.

Recently, Rob and I watched a movie called Overnight about filmmaker Troy Duffy, who was an overnight film sensation, and who crashed and burned very shortly thereafter. The thing is, the guy had (has) talent, but he had a bad attitude and a terrible work ethic. He thought he was a genius. And that proved to be a big problem — both for him and everyone around him.

I’d rather be average, frankly, and keep working at improving than think of myself as a genius who has “arrived.”  Because a.) it’s not true and b.) it seems to usher in problems, not solve them.

STATUS: I know there are a lot of things about America’s Next Top Model (or ANTM as we call it in our house) that I should hate, but every time it comes on, I’m glued to it. Glued, I tell you. I think 80 percent of it is actually Miss Jay.

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: The Human Tetris game from Japanese television is a classic, and I’m revisiting it because I hear they’re going to make an American version. I just hope David Hasselhoff doesn’t host the competition.

I am adding a new category to this blog called “early works” because I think it’s essential for every author to review his/her former story-writing attempts and try to learn from them. As you know, I did this with HELP! I’VE BEEN CAPTURED! and that proved to be a valuable learning experience. It underscored the need for strong plot lines, good pacing, and consistent character development. And by “underscored the need for” I mean that CAPTURED had none of those things.

So, today I give you THE MAN HOW HE STOLD WATER.

A-hem. I present to you the cover. Some might call it bleak. I would call it reflective of a world where 80% of surface matter is liquid life.

The book, as do many of my most genius works, begins simply:

Once a pon a time. Ther lived a man and his wife.

They licked to drink wato. [Translation: They liked to drink water. Which, obviously it’s such a simple, basic point that I’m putting it into a different language and challenging readers to think about the concept differently.]

But not for long. [The graphics really tell the story on this page. Slanted line above eyebrow=evil character.]

Soon thy by/e came hot! [Translation: Soon they became hot!]

And he lafed. [Okay, admittedly I’m wondering at this point who the slant-eyebrowed antagonist is. Why is his hair like Donald Trump’s? And, dear God, where are his arms?]

They puhed him down.[Puhing is Hawaiian for pushing, I think.]

And thy got som wato. [Translation: And they got some water. At this point, some closed-minded readers might be going, WTF?, but the enlightened among us are following along sans problem.]

And for the man he gotto lift the bucits. [Translation: Um, I uh — well, even I’m a teensy bit lost but I think there’s a bucket involved.]

Ha ha ha.[Yes. Ha ha ha indeed! Friggin hilarious right now!]

But wat abote the ending? [Right! The ending. Forget beginning and middle. In the millennium fashion, I want my ending and I want it now!]

I red you it. [Wait. What? But … no! Of course! It makes perfect … sense. Now it all fits together. Yep. I totally get it.]  

THE END

STATUS: After months, literally, of editing — both for my work and for my books — I finally feel like I have a bit of creative cranium space to begin writing again.

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: Without question, it’s the Sarah Palin name generator. Ever wonder what you’d be called if Sarah Palin had named you? Now you can find out! For the record, I’m Stinger Assassin Palin.

Hurricanes, economic woes, and promises of salvation by both religious figures and political pundits have reinforced my belief that there’s really nothing new under the sun. Every one of these issues has played itself out in history before. Multiple times.

I’ve thought a lot about this as I’ve recently been watching the HBO show Carnivale (on DVD since it’s not on anymore and we don’t get HBO anyhow). One of the producers for the show was Ron Moore, who you may know from shows like, oh, gee, I don’t know, Battlestar Galactica. Anyway, the whole thing takes place during the Great Depression and, I gotta say, the external forces the main characters are struggling with are a scary echo of what we’ve got going on today. Granted, they don’t have polar bears drowning because of disappearing ice floes or an AIG bailout, but they do have dust storms raging across the midwest and a financial infrastructure that’s just imploded.

Themes, themes, themes. Cycles, cycles, cycles. It’s like the Matrix (back when it was good, before it got so confusing) when Neo found out there’d been, like, a thousand Neos before him.

Joseph Campbell reiterated most of life’s great themes in his works, most popularly The Hero With a Thousand Faces. When we as writers think we’re creating great, original characters with unique arcs, we should pause and realize it’s pulling from cultural themes that have played out before, again and again. We’ve been there, done that, for thousands of years.

But hey, I’ll still vote, watch the debates, get sucked into Carnivale, and write another book. Because unique interpretations of these great themes, cycles and archetypes is always, always entertaining.

Duuuude! It’s the cover for DONUT DAYS!! I totally love it! But then again, I might be slightly biased.

Who needs stinky Brett Favre anyway? It’s Mr. Rodgers’ neighborhood now! Go, Pack, Go!!

STATUS: Glad I’m not the only one who thinks Bristol is a terrible name. In addition to being a city in England, isn’t it like a brand of cigarettes, too?

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: So, okay, I put in the search term “Bristol Cigarettes” on YouTube, and it returned this video from the Bristol Renaissance Fair in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Of course Wisconsin would come up in the search results. Of course it would.

So, I love that my husband Rob is a.) funny and b.) the kind of guy that puts his heart into … well, everything. This is perhaps most on display when he plays Guitar Hero.

Here’s Rob playing Barracuda by Heart. Notice he’s on his knees?

Oh, and here he is with the guitar behind his head.

It’s like that scene in Back to the Future when Michael J. Fox plays guitar on stage and totally forgets the crowd is there, he gets so into it. Now hurry and stop playing, Rob, so you can get to the clock tower! change the kitty litter!