THE MAN HOW HE STOLD WATER
STATUS: I know there are a lot of things about America’s Next Top Model (or ANTM as we call it in our house) that I should hate, but every time it comes on, I’m glued to it. Glued, I tell you. I think 80 percent of it is actually Miss Jay.
FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: The Human Tetris game from Japanese television is a classic, and I’m revisiting it because I hear they’re going to make an American version. I just hope David Hasselhoff doesn’t host the competition.
I am adding a new category to this blog called “early works” because I think it’s essential for every author to review his/her former story-writing attempts and try to learn from them. As you know, I did this with HELP! I’VE BEEN CAPTURED! and that proved to be a valuable learning experience. It underscored the need for strong plot lines, good pacing, and consistent character development. And by “underscored the need for” I mean that CAPTURED had none of those things.
So, today I give you THE MAN HOW HE STOLD WATER.
A-hem. I present to you the cover. Some might call it bleak. I would call it reflective of a world where 80% of surface matter is liquid life.
The book, as do many of my most genius works, begins simply:
Once a pon a time. Ther lived a man and his wife.
They licked to drink wato. [Translation: They liked to drink water. Which, obviously it's such a simple, basic point that I'm putting it into a different language and challenging readers to think about the concept differently.]
But not for long. [The graphics really tell the story on this page. Slanted line above eyebrow=evil character.]
Soon thy by/e came hot! [Translation: Soon they became hot!]
And he lafed. [Okay, admittedly I'm wondering at this point who the slant-eyebrowed antagonist is. Why is his hair like Donald Trump's? And, dear God, where are his arms?]
They puhed him down.[Puhing is Hawaiian for pushing, I think.]
And thy got som wato. [Translation: And they got some water. At this point, some closed-minded readers might be going, WTF?, but the enlightened among us are following along sans problem.]
And for the man he gotto lift the bucits. [Translation: Um, I uh -- well, even I'm a teensy bit lost but I think there's a bucket involved.]
Ha ha ha.[Yes. Ha ha ha indeed! Friggin hilarious right now!]
But wat abote the ending? [Right! The ending. Forget beginning and middle. In the millennium fashion, I want my ending and I want it now!]
I red you it. [Wait. What? But ... no! Of course! It makes perfect ... sense. Now it all fits together. Yep. I totally get it.]
THE END
4 Responses to “THE MAN HOW HE STOLD WATER”
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:04 pm
As #1 fan of your early works I have to say I find this piece – oh, how would Tim Gunn say it? ahh, yes – stunning! What’s so unique is it’s self-reflexivity.That ending! It’s so post-modern! Any chance we’ll see excerpts of later earlier works? Say, oh, I don’t know, a minor, completely seminal work, like, oh…I don’t know…Butterflies?! Your audience demands it!
September 25th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
We do demand it. More, more! (Same thing I said last time.) Regular feature?
Personally, I think you’ve provided us with an allegory for our times. When faced with doom (of any sort) we find a way. We’re Americans, dammit, we can do anything! When we run out of water, we’ll just, um, get some more. Yeah!
September 26th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
I love the demand for the early stuff. “Butterflies” was my first complete YA novel, written at the tender age of … uh, 13, I think. It’s so awful it’s hilarious. Maybe I’ll have to post excerpts one of these days. It was printed on a dot matrix, which never fails to crack me up.
October 13th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
This is pure gold inspiration, ma’am.
When you write your memoir, perhaps you can title it “And for the man he gotto lift the bucits.”
Because if you’re like the most prolific celebs, you’ll need to save titles for your next five memoirs — who could stand for just one story of Ms. LZ? — and your follow up about the autumn of your career can be “But wat abote the ending?”