Lara Zielin

As many of you know, I have saved a lot of crappy writing from my past. So much so that I have a section on this blog, which you can click over there on the right, under “categories,” called Crap I Used to Write.

But this? Might be, like, the crappiest writing of them all.

It’s a poem. About two boys. And I simply cannot decide which one I shall fall in love with.

I’m pasting the poem below. I’ve also, for readability, recopied the stanzas underneath. Prepare to feel my anguish, the heart-wrenching Sophie’s Choice of it all! I can’t promise you won’t cry.

I fell in love with Dan/and I really hope I can/win him over/and love him a lot/he has something the others haven’t got.

But then there is Matt/who is always true./Oh Matt, I do love you!

But dearest Matt/how could you possibly see/what Dan really does/does to me?

His nose is big/and he takes girls, sometimes, for a gig./But inside, his heart is pure/he is my cure.

The cure for my feelings inside/when I want/to run and hide.

“Sally Perkins was an ordinary third-grade girl…” begins one of my early works, Sally and the Time Machine. Dickensian in its simplicity, don’t you think? No? Well. Fine.

Anyway. Yes, I made another movie out of it. Yes, you can watch it here. Yes, it is awesome. <– Okay, that last part might be subjective.

Here’s a picture of the original story.

And here’s the video for your viewing pleasure. Really, edge of your seats, people. I swear.

Perhaps the next time you pass a row of bushes, you’ll wonder if the time machine is stashed there. Or…not.

I know I’ve shared with you some of my really bad stories in the past. I intend to keep doing this, because a.) omg they are sooo bad and b.) one of us usually winds up giggling.

But then I realized it would be super fun to make videos out of some of them. Maybe even encourage other writers in the process. Like, yeah, you might write some crap, but that doesn’t mean you’ll always write crap.

Thus, I give you … THE FOX.

Did I mention that I love him?

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: This sweet little paper cutout video inspired by Star Wars. Where can I get this song? Love it!

The leaves are falling! Autumn is in the air! I thought I’d help you get into a pumpkin-pickin’ mood by sharing some festive fall artwork of mine. Because I’m an artist as well as a writer. Don’t believe me? Well check out some of my earliest works of genius. (Thanks, Mom, for saving EVERYTHING!)

This wise little guy is the perfect companion for apple picking! Also, he’s clearly inspiration for those left over, baked-bean covered paper plates you would normally throw away after a picnic. Take all that brown smear and turn it into fall decor! So what if his right eye looks like that horror movie, The Ring? it’s called postmodernism, people.

And this little guy, you will love! He’s … GAH! My eyes!

Oh, wait. That’s better. He’s an elephant. Why, what were you thinking?

He’s the perfect little friend for raking leaves, as his trunk (no really, it’s a trunk) can clean up a yard faster than a leaf blower.

And finally, for those of you wondering what you should be for Halloween this year, I may I suggest a scaaaaary spider?

No, it is TOO a spider. So what if it only has six legs? It’s a mutant spider, okay? He’s really … I mean, he’s trying, all right? It’s not easy having six legs and yarn scotch-taped to your butt. Trust me.

Got some fall inspiration to share? I’d love to hear about it, no matter HOW many legs it has!

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: So, if historical events had Facebook statuses, they’d look like this. Full of win!

Happy flashback Friday! It is a gorgeous day out: sunny with the first nip of fall in the air, and sky so blue it makes your heart beat a little faster.

BUT WHY LOOK AT THAT CRAP WHEN YOU CAN LOOK AT PRETTY PICHIRS?!?!

Omg, I can’t wait to see what’s inside this book! And, wow, there must be a ton of content here because look at all those staples at the top! Frankenstein is jealous! Heck, Joan Rivers’ forehead is jealous! Jeez, there must be, like, a hundred pages to warrant all those staples!

(And, okay, I confess I have no idea what a pichir is — a device for pouring drinks? a person who throws baseballs from the mound? — but I’m excited anyway.)

Oh! Pretty pichirs! Of course. The kind that are nice to see. The kind that are worth money.

The kind that mind their own business? Wait, what?

Lara: Hey, picture! Dude, I totally have to tell you about my dog, Amos. He’s been really challenging lately and –

Picture: I’m sorry, that’s really not my affair. Perhaps you should talk to the vet instead? 

Erm, okay. Whatever.

And now for page two!

Take it away, page two!

What? No page two? Oh come ON. That’s staple abuse. And false advertising.

Hey, you know what pichirs? In addition to being nice and minding your own business and making sure people’s drinks are refilled at parties and volunteering at pet shelters, you should really follow through on stuff. Maybe next time we call you Pretty Pichir. For crying out loud.

As Love Week draws to a close on Larawrites.com, I thought I’d share some things that I learned recently about love, which didn’t go into previous posts.

For example, this video (courtesy of my awesome agent) showcases the hilarious protest-sign creativity of gay marriage activists who, like the rest of us, just want to love and be loved.

My fave? Elizabeth Taylor had 8 husbands; I just want one.

There’s also this little tortoise who was bullied by other tortoises (click here for full story) and lived a lonely life until the owners gave him a plastic girlfriend (*bites back snarky comment*) with whom he’s “besotted.”

Love really does come in all different shapes and sizes.

But since it’s Friday, I suppose the best way to conclude Love Week is with a Friday Flashback from a high school boyfriend. As you can see, this guy is really something else. It’s my birthday, and he sure as heck knows how to make a girl feel special.

If you’re reading this and not going hunting, please leave a comment. Love, Me.

Today, I’ll let a page from my fourth-grade diary speak for me. So very much happened. Death! Hair alterations! Today doesn’t even come close.

Sunflakes. Heh.

Please feel free to follow me over to Crap I Used to Write, a site dedicated to making fun of all the junk I penned as a kid. Ever wanted to see an aardvark-beagle pooping on a guy? It’s totally over there.