~~~Lara Zielin~~~

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: This version of Europe’s “The Final Countdown” is epic. My thanks to Rob for finding it.

I’m super excited because tonight I’m doing a leetle presentation on networking for the Ann Arbor District Library. You may be asking yourself, Lara, why are you talking about networking? Omg, that’s a great question! Let me answer it!

You may not know that in 2003, I published a book called MAKE THINGS HAPPEN: THE KEY TO NETWORKING FOR TEENS. Well, okay, I didn’t publish it, Lobster Press did. But still. It’s out there.

And the great thing is, seven years later, my little book is still in print AND it’s selling well enough that I actually get royalty checks.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I think it reflects how an activity like networking never goes out of style. Why? Because networking involves people and relationships, and those two things are a giant part of the fabric we all use to stitch our lives together. (How’s THAT for a sewing metaphor?)

I am not the world’s best networker. Not by a long shot. But I AM passionate about building good relationships with people for the right reasons. I believe that when people find what they’re good at and pursue things that make them happy, it opens giant doors of opportunity. I think it’s hard to have a meaningful life without other people.

Plugging into those ideas is all part of networking. It’s a much bigger part, I think, than passing out business cards and schmoozing over rubbery chicken at some fancy dinner.

If you want to hear more about this, I’ll be at the Ann Arbor District Library (Pittsfield branch) tonight from 7-8. Click here for the deets. Hope to see you!!

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: A Star Wars dance-off! Star Wars meets Footloose! Star Wars meets Thriller! Total ruleage.

Many young artists’ works can be controversial. Can the mind of a babe truly unleash mature, thought-provoking content? The answer, dear friends, is yes … at least in some cases. Mine, sadly, was not one of them. I thusly present to you an early work once again in need of a strong editorial hand (including but not limited to a grammarian and a plain old copy editor) titled The Frog and the Bear.

Good to note I’m editing my own content here, lest readers think this was a story about a frog and the Brain-stem Auditory Evoked Response (BAER) hearing test.

Starts well. Books with animals tend to have strong sell-in numbers, so this is a promising beginning.

[Translation: It thought it could do anything.] Wait, is there a fish in the book now? What’s with the cod? And…why….are….there….so….many….commas…for….pauses? Still, the exhibited hubris sets us up for a big fall, and that’s a good thing.

[Translation: Well the bear thought they should have a race.] Good introduction of the bear, but is thy a holy grizzly? Also, should we have known about the race sooner? No matter. Let’s see how this plays out!

Right. Yes. Let’s get there, then. Chop chop.

[Translation: And  the bear thought that the frog could not do everything.] Gaaahh! When is the race already? And for pity sake, lay off the commas. When is the ever followed, by, a, comma? Ever?

Omg. Kill me now. They should have left on page two.

[Translation: The frog thought the bear was behind.] Behind what? A bush? Also, we should probably take stock of the drawings at this point, if you can call them that. Up top there, is that a map of the U.S. with an enlarged version of Hawaii on the left and a huuuuge Maine on the right? Stephen King’s house just got a lot bigger I guess. Anyway, maybe put the drawings aside in favor of keeping your characters straight, which obviously you’re having trouble doing (see scratched out text and arrow), even though there are only two of them. A frog and a bear. Unless you wanted to count the comma as a character, which, given its proclivity to appear, might just work.

Who? Who took a nap? The frog or the bear? Specific character notation would be helpful here.

[Translation: The bear went ahead!] Okay. Story gets exciting. Frog is asleep, bear is pulling ahead. Awesome.

Writing 101 here: Show don’t tell. And, again, not to belabor the point or anything, but you only have two (two!) characters to keep track of. Is it that hard? Why all the frog/bear scribbles? And, okay, speaking of scribbles, what is that thing in the upper right? It looks like your frog laid a clump of eggs and is hoping for another amphibian to come along and fertilize them.

[Translation: Because the bear had won the race.] Are there crows now? Who is cawing? Quoth the raven: this ending blows.

Two exclamation points? For this? Excuse me while I go read the tortoise and the hare (maybe you’ve heard of it, Inspiredy McPlagiarism?) for a real story.

STATUS: In a post-Christmas haze. Full belly, relaxed family, a whole day with nothing to do. I’m in love.

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT NOW: Entertainment Weekly came out with their “best of the year” list and I must have been living under a rock to have missed Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along Blog . The first installment is 45 minutes long but it’s worth every moment. Neil Patrick Harris is astounding. The whole thing is hilarious. But still compelling. Uh-maze-ing.

When I was growing up (in the 80s for real–not, like, ironically) Rambo was a big deal. Heck, Sylvester Stallone was a big deal, what with Rocky and Rambo and … well, mostly those two. Throw in the A-Team and G.I. Joe, and the military (or ex-military in the case of Face and B.A. and the gang) made stories about the armed forces downright plentiful.

I say all this because it’s the only possible reason I can think of for penning the following, titled simply, “The Army.”

O the Army is a place to fite! Bang bang! Thee Army! Thee Army! Bang! Try to save pepole. Bang! Bang! Bang! Fite! Fite! Army! Army! That is whare yo fite! Tanks and gys tents and stuff thee Army thee Army. Jeeps and stuff! Bang! Bang! Fite fite fite! Be free! Let freedom ring!

STATUS: According to the Weather Channel, I should barely be alive. That’s how terrible the snowstorm in Michigan is right now. Rob and I stocked up on white bread, Velveeta and firewood. If it comes to it, we’ve decided we’ll eat the kitteh because she’ll probably taste the best out of all of us. But Rob did give me that look like, mmmm, you’d be good with butter.

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: A parody of Calvin & Hobbes called Calvin & Jobs. As in Steve Jobs. As in hi-larious.

I don’t know about anyone else out there, but I’ve already eaten way, way too much this holiday season. Yesterday at work? It was insane. Cheesecake, cookies, chocolate, pistachios — and that was just work. Rob’s been baking pies, and we’ve been feeding friends and family like crazy. As well as going out. So this little reminder that I uncovered in my “early writings of brilliance” folder was timely. It’s called “What is good for you!” and, well, it really just oozes wisdom.

Orngs and appls are bad for you! Ice creem is god so good! Some things are good, and some things are bad. Grapes are good for you! Candy is not! Fruits are good! Pop sickels are bad! Some things are good and some things are bad! You can make you sick! Some-peploe have goton sick! I canot boleave thet pepole have goton sick. Onges are good for you! Slop thare gos the onnges blod! [I have no idea what that means, otherwise I’d offer a translation.] Bad and good foods! Eat good not bad-foods! Stay a live and how to do that? Eat bad foods!

STATUS: I know there are a lot of things about America’s Next Top Model (or ANTM as we call it in our house) that I should hate, but every time it comes on, I’m glued to it. Glued, I tell you. I think 80 percent of it is actually Miss Jay.

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: The Human Tetris game from Japanese television is a classic, and I’m revisiting it because I hear they’re going to make an American version. I just hope David Hasselhoff doesn’t host the competition.

I am adding a new category to this blog called “early works” because I think it’s essential for every author to review his/her former story-writing attempts and try to learn from them. As you know, I did this with HELP! I’VE BEEN CAPTURED! and that proved to be a valuable learning experience. It underscored the need for strong plot lines, good pacing, and consistent character development. And by “underscored the need for” I mean that CAPTURED had none of those things.

So, today I give you THE MAN HOW HE STOLD WATER.

A-hem. I present to you the cover. Some might call it bleak. I would call it reflective of a world where 80% of surface matter is liquid life.

The book, as do many of my most genius works, begins simply:

Once a pon a time. Ther lived a man and his wife.

They licked to drink wato. [Translation: They liked to drink water. Which, obviously it’s such a simple, basic point that I’m putting it into a different language and challenging readers to think about the concept differently.]

But not for long. [The graphics really tell the story on this page. Slanted line above eyebrow=evil character.]

Soon thy by/e came hot! [Translation: Soon they became hot!]

And he lafed. [Okay, admittedly I’m wondering at this point who the slant-eyebrowed antagonist is. Why is his hair like Donald Trump’s? And, dear God, where are his arms?]

They puhed him down.[Puhing is Hawaiian for pushing, I think.]

And thy got som wato. [Translation: And they got some water. At this point, some closed-minded readers might be going, WTF?, but the enlightened among us are following along sans problem.]

And for the man he gotto lift the bucits. [Translation: Um, I uh — well, even I’m a teensy bit lost but I think there’s a bucket involved.]

Ha ha ha.[Yes. Ha ha ha indeed! Friggin hilarious right now!]

But wat abote the ending? [Right! The ending. Forget beginning and middle. In the millennium fashion, I want my ending and I want it now!]

I red you it. [Wait. What? But … no! Of course! It makes perfect … sense. Now it all fits together. Yep. I totally get it.]  

THE END

STATUS: All moved in and unpacked. Let the hot-tubbing begin. Yeah baby, yeah.

FAVE LINKEY-POO RIGHT THIS SECOND: A book on “Affluenza” — the epidemic of over-consumption.

One of my earliest books, HELP! I’VE BEEN CAPTURED, is a work whose title hints at scandal, intrigue, and controversy. And it might have read that way, too, had I been able to spell controversy–and not run out of paper.

My life was a normal life until this one thing accured. I was kidnapid one day!

It was Sunday untill my parents knew I was gone. [Note: My dad’s name is Chuck.]

One sunny day I found my self in the park with the robber. [Clearly the book needs a strong editorial hand. How much time had passed from one day to the next? What was daily life like with the robber?]

Then my parents went by! I started to cry and cry. They looked over. [Again, an editor could ask what their expressions were like. Were they mortified to hear a child’s cry and be reminded of their own missing offspring while they enjoyed a stroll in the park? Did they drop the hands they’d been holding, each too embarrassed to look the other in the eye and admit that they actually enjoyed life more without the kid?]

I tried to use the moris code but I didn’t know what it was. [Altogether, not a stunning plot twist, as moris code remains a mystery to this day. Morse code, on the other hand, is widely used, and could have been an effective communication device here, if implemented correctly.]

They said it did sound like me but it couldn’t. Onley it was. [The threads of a psychological thriller begin to show through. Did the parents know? Did the child know the parents knew? Oh, the mental machinations!]

So I crawled out and they saw me! [Unputdownable!]

Then the man saw me, the one that captured me. [And??]

My parents were on to some thing and so was I! [The pacing stumbles here. What happened during the moment at the park? Eds notes would definitely want the writer to clarify what, exactly, everyone thought they were on to.]

The man that captured me liked kids onley he did not have one. [A-hem. Part Two.]

So that night I went on a michon. To get a kid for him. [Moral ambiguity! Who is the kidnapper now? Do the protagonist’s altruistic motives absolve the crime? Sacre bleu, I spy Jean Valjean!]

I ran to the orphnage. [Perhaps a liberal use of stereotypes here. Are all orphans so easy to come by? Could offend adoptive parents.]

I opened the door then ring ring they thought I was a robber! [The protagonist opened the door and then rang the doorbell? Recast. And, for crying out loud, what robber rings the doorbell? The Ding Dong Bandit?]

I hid behinde a bush. [Good use of Olde English here. Evokes a sense of time and place.]

Then a man said onley a kid could get away that fast. I laughed. [And we all laughed with you, dear child. We all laughed with you.]

The end.