Lara Zielin

Here’s what you missed on Glee, the Very Special Oscar Episode.

Rachel gets her big break, the one she’s dreamed of since her two dads bought her her first Babs album: to host the Academy Awards. ZOMG!

Except, small problem. Sue Sylvester has planted a foil on the stage. And by plant I mean cannabis. She’s led Rachel’s co-host deep into Reefer Madness territory, and it doesn’t look like he’ll get out anytime soon. He’s higher than the platforms Keith Urban should wear to not look like a Hobbit next to Nicole.

Show ruined, right?

Nuh-uh. Not so fast. Never underestimate a girl with years of community theater training.

Rachel has enough energy for BOTH of them! She is going to tap and sing and open-mouth laugh enough for TWO people! Take that, Sue Sylvester!

Meanwhile, Gwyneth is back, and she’s singing again! Yay?

The words “double wide” really should never come out of her mouth. But, well, at least she’s not talking about Goop.

Then, Coach Beiste’s long-lost twin, Ed Beiste, shows up from Cincinnati! How crazy is that.

And you sort of expect him to be all beer-drinking and lame, but he’s nice! And charming! And he kind of steals the show! And you’re all like, you’re better than Rachel and Sue Sylvester’s stoned foil! You should TAKE OVER RIGHT NOW! Except he totally has to go back to Cincinnati and he really just came to tell his sister, Coach Beiste, that their parents are fine, just fine, and he’s taking care of things back home.

And then, just when you think that Special Guest Star Oprah Winfrey will never stop talking about adversity and overcoming, when really she should just stop already because having six houses in Hawaii kind of negates her platform, the King’s Speech wins and we remember that rich people — like kings and queens! — really can overcome obstacles. Thank God.

Then a kid’s choir sings and Rachel high-fives them and we remember that music really can make a difference.

The end.